In this blog I want to get real with you. I want to go deep and truly share what is going on in my life. I want to show you how I struggle, how I get overwhelmed by the feeling of self doubt, how I get lost in my own insecurities and how I feel alone sometimes. This blog is not going to be about an experiment I just tried or a cold shower you can try, this blog is about my struggle. If you are not struggling or not really interested in my struggle, please feel free to go on with your day and have a great one.
For the people who are still reading, thank you. I appreciate you're taking the time.
For the people who don’t follow me on Instagram and don’t know my story, let me paint the picture for you: I am that guy who loves life. The guy who just launched his website and is on this quest to impact the world. The guy who wakes up at 5 or 6am every day to do meditation, to do yoga stretching, to go to the gym, and to do gratitude journaling in his dairy. The guy that read books, goes to amazing sunrise yoga classes on Saturday mornings and the guy that is on his journey to become a life coach. The guy who tries to inspire and motive the people around him by sharing quotes, messages, a weekly newsletter and blogs. Sounds like a guy who got shit figured out, right?
Well, let me tell you something: I don’t. I get overwhelmed by my own thoughts and thinking a lot of times. Leaving me nothing but lost. Leaving me incredibly insecure and alone. Because what should I believe if I live and breath personal development when things are starting to go south? When I can’t let go of that negative thought while my 153 days meditation streak has thought you that letting go is the key? Should I just trust the process? Trust the universe? Should I just focus on positive things? But what if all these things don’t work? What if I get stuck in my own mind and you are battling against thoughts, unable to let them go and feel worthy enough?
Well, maybe being vulnerable for once helps. Maybe by showing you who I am. Maybe by sharing my struggle to show you that you are not alone in yours. Maybe by acknowledging that you might not experience the same struggle, but that I know yours can be difficult too.
I feel like it’s time to share the other side of the coin. The side that you normally hide, because it’s the side where you’re left open for people to judge you, right? It’s that side that you keep to yourself and you wish nobody will ever see. That vulnerable side.
After reading The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes, it is time for me to show you that side of my coin. When reading the last chapters of this incredible book on my flight back from London to Barcelona, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that the masks, the Know-It-All and Alpha Mask, I had been wearing for the first 20 years of my life, were still there. The masks I disgust nowadays and the mask I try to separate myself from. Moreover, the masks I was denying to admit I was still wearing. It hit me that I thought I became a better listener and more open-minded person over the course of the last 1,5 years, but that subconsciously I still thought/think I know it all and have it all figured out. Having a conversation with my girlfriend about it, made it crystal clear that sometimes I still try to make her see and implement my point of view, because I believe it’s the better one. Something that hit me because I don’t want to be that person, I hate to be that person. But something that I have been resisting to admit, or worse: even see.
Resisting. I believe that’s the keyword here. The last couple of days I came across a lot of resistance in my mind. Unable to identify where the resistance was came from, I started to resist it even more: “Okay why do I feel like I am not doing enough? Why am I having this negative thought? Where is it coming from? I should think positively and be inspirational”. Resulting in, you can guess it, feeling worse and even more overwhelmed.
So I started to be aware of the things I resisted, and wrote them down. I tried to let go of the trying to find the solution, or asking the why question. Being aware of the resistance is the first step, not trying to solve it and get the immediate results. Once being aware of the things I was resisting, and spotting the pattern, I dived deep into that feeling. I sat down with myself to figure out where this resistance was coming from and mostly why it was ruling and bothering me.
That resulted was painful discovery: not feeling worthy enough. Not having the confidence to feel that I was enough. Letting the insecurity of not being enough get the best of me. A feeling that was painful and brought up some bad memories from childhood.
But a feeling I needed to go through and experience. A feeling that made me realise why I was feeling overwhelmed, horrible and alone. And a feeling that made me see, feel and experience the underlying cause of all this overwhelm.
A feeling that wouldn’t disappear if I would go on social media and check my likes. A feeling that buying new stuff, eat out for lunch or watching youtube won’t take away. A feeling only I could let go, by stop looking to external factors and by start looking internally.
After experiencing this feeling I didn’t feel better at first. But when listening to my little brother, who sent me supportive voice messages, it finally clicked. Listening to him made me realise that I am enough. That no amount of likes or followers can give me that feeling but me. That no validation will bring me that feeling of acceptance, relieve and joy. That I am enough and that no insecurity is worth resisting, let alone holding on to. (I would have never thought my 19 year old brother could do that, incredibly proud to see the steps forward he has taken)
To conclude, this blog isn’t meant to be all about me. It is also about you! I want to open up and show you the real me, and not the high life me. Show you my struggles. I want to be that little brother who tells you that you are enough! That you are doing enough and that you are worthy enough! That your struggles, insecurities, self-doubt in whatever area of life are normal, they are part of being human. However, they shouldn’t hold you back from enjoying everyday life, like they did for me. You are enough and your story is enough! You are special and unique and that matters!
If you’d like to share your struggle or if you are looking for that little brother, please feel free to send me an email! I would love to be a listening ear and hopefully help you get out of your struggle.
Saw this quote yesterday, incredibly on point.